NTMP 119: Jean-Claude Van Duck
It's pumpkin spice watermelon season!
New-To-Me Phrases, August 11, 2024
Timpon * Summerween * Sandwich armada * Air Horse One * The Piss Pigs * Steven Seagull * Angry incense
The Phrases, With Context
Not much to report over here except that I forgot to do a July poll. My bad. Let’s fix that:
Let’s get to it!
1. Timpon
Conservatives are out here telling on themselves—again—with this one.
Backstory: Kamala Harris’ pick for VP, Tim Walz, is governor of Minnesota. One of the initiatives he helped pass as governor was providing period products to people in need. Now conservative commentators are calling him Tampon Tim as if it’s an insult.
Coming together as a society to help people in need is anathema to these people, unless they’re the ones needing help (see: any conservative state after a natural disaster). Also, tell me you’ve never been in an intimate relationship without telling me you’ve never been in an intimate relationship.
As
pointed out in her Dingus of the Week,It’s a stupid nickname, because as writer and podcaster Patricia Elzie-Tuttle points out “Timpon was right there!” If you are going to give someone a devastating nickname you have to at least make it good.
2. Summerween
It’s early August and pumpkin spice has already arrived and I’m seeing candy corn and Halloween decorations in stores. While I would love to be able to just exist in the season we’re in, Halloween is objectively awesome so I’m not too bent about it. Also August humidity in the Midwest can go fuck itself, with thanks for the produce.
All this to say, Summerween feels timely right now. Via the NYT:
A mash-up of a summer celebration and Halloween, the event seems to have been assembled, Frankenstein-style, out of social media’s insatiable need for content, retailers’ desire to drum up excitement in the dead zone of July and August and an enthusiasm among certain people for ghouls and goblins so strong that it cannot be satisfied by one holiday a year.
This portmanteau of summer and Halloween originated in 2012 on the TV show “Gravity Falls” and someone on TikTok, uh, resurrected it this summer. It’s not too late to carve your Jack ‘O Melons!
Thanks to NTMP stan Tonya for this one.
3. Sandwich armada
This one is for House of the Dragon fans but maybe it will be amusing even if you don’t watch. This is a light spoiler so stop reading if you hate knowing anything about a show before watching it.
As a strategy to bring about victory without violence, a wrongfully deposed queen sends small boats filled with fresh food to her enemy’s city to win over the starving people there. My husband and I made DoorDash jokes when we saw the boats arriving.
Then Vulture writer and
Substacker dubbed it the sandwich armada in one of his weekly HOTD scorecards and I can’t think of a funnier take.4. Air Horse One
I wanted to cover this one while we’re still thinking about the Olympics. I’ve been seeing memes saying that the plane that transports horses for Olympic equestrian events was named Air Horse One. But when I went to research it, Snopes came out as a top result.
But there is an Air Horse One airplane! It just didn’t help out the Olympic riders.
5. The Piss Pigs
My Hag pal Wendy shared this TikTok by comedian and writer Meredith Dietz in our group chat, which is currently named Meat Expertise:
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I just think that half of our parents would not have gotten married if our moms had just had access to an all-girls group chat with a messed up name. Like, I don’t know what your group chats are called, but personally the Piss Pigs wouldn’t have let your mom marry your dad.
I love her - she wrote the internet gem Fuck Noom!
Do the Hags have an entire Google doc with a list of our former group chat names? Yes. Yes we do.
Here’s a random selection:
Fruit Unit
Shanty Sluts
GO DIE IN A HOLE YOU POOPBALL
Stinky Ghosts
I thought those were anal beads
It’s especially fun when you make Siri read you texts in a male Australian accent: “Wendy sent a text in Farts and Prayers.”
6. Steven Seagull
For SIX YEARS a seagull nicknamed Steven Seagull has been stealing packs of chips (sorry, crisps) from a British convenience store in Dorset. Just peak asshole bird behavior. There’s a video at that link if you need a good laugh. He has a favorite—sorry, favourite flavor: BBQ. When shop staff tried to deter him with a spicy version, he went around them and chose his fave. I love him.
7. Angry incense
Sometimes, a meme is all the context you need - via TwiXter1 (thanks to Rebecca for this one):
Bonus Bits
1. If you’re into Elon Musk takedowns and banana jokes
Have I got an essay for you. OG friend of NTMP Randal landed a piece in McSweeney’s parodying TwiXter’s petulant lawsuit against advertisers, and it is delightful. I did not get the banana joke until Randal explained it to me, but it is a very good one.
2. A follow-up from last week’s edition
NTMP reader Marlene emailed a photo of depressing grey-and-white condos after reading last week’s newsletter:
Me eating breakfast in Park City: what do you even call this style? Post-industrial gulag?
Opens Toni’s email. Millennial kennels! YES!!
That’s it for this week! Remember to keep making it weird and to stay furiously curious.
Not my joke; saw it on Defector and adopted it immediately
Thanks so much for the shout-out!
Also we may need a NTMP “asshole bird of the month” feature.