NTMP 106: Sun Snacks

Plus: A tool for lazy hoes

New-To-Me Phrases, April 12, 2024

Brutality in the Totality * The spotlight effect * Schlong Island iced tea * Hyper-sexual zombie cicadas * Official Stick Reviews * Action Hoe * Disco chicken

Photo by Tj Holowaychuk on Unsplash

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The Phrases, With Context

Aaaaand we’re back! I had a great time at the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop in Dayton, Ohio and met some really great people. This was a LOT of socializing for me, and I was my usual awkward self.

If you’re unfamiliar with the name, Erma Bombeck paved the way for women to tell stories about their everyday lives, starting in the 1960s. Bombeck wrote humor columns and books describing the emotional and mental labor of raising a family and running a household. She hailed from an era of straight white Christian middle class suburban comfort, but also deftly poked holes in the false reality and expectations of that existence.

Bombeck was from my parents’ generation, but her influence made its way to Gen X as well. I have fond memories of reading her nationally syndicated newspaper columns as a kid, and she published over a dozen books with titles like “If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?” and “The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank,” which I just discovered was made into a movie starring Carol Burnett (!!) and Charles Grodin (!!!). I found a shitty recording of it on YouTube that includes amazing TV spots from the ‘70s.

There was a good mix of experienced and newer writers at “Erma,” as the conference is known, and here are my main takeaways, some of which are affirmations of prior knowledge:

• So long as you have your mind, you can keep writing well into your 80s and beyond. (But if I’m still doing marketing writing in my 80s, please come find me and tell me to knock it off.)

• Writers at Erma are the nicest, most welcoming and sincerely generous writers I’ve ever met.

• Writers supporting and cheering on other writers is so essential to our work. Because it is work, and it’s hard work that and is rife with rejection and deeply undervalued in our gross capitalistic culture. Being in a room with others who get all of this is worth the price of admission alone.

• I love a funny keynote speech.

Would I attend again? I’m not sure; as is often the case at conferences, many of the workshops were 101-level, which is fine, but just not what I needed. I wish more events would add criteria for their workshops and panels so people can filter for what they need. I’m still glad I went; I learned a bunch and came home with so many notes and ideas. If you’re a humor writer seeking affirmation, inspiration, writing craft workshops, and a warm, supportive community, make your way to Erma.

As far as time off to attend the conference, I realized that I kind of hate not writing NTMP every week. I’ve gathered so many phrases since I last wrote, and I’m already considering switching back to weekly.

What do you think?

Speaking of polls, we had a tie for last month’s fave phrase - here’s a screenshot:

This means you get a second shot at voting between Midwestern Spaghetti Void and Fupacabra:

And now for the phrases! This week we have eclipse snacks, horny harbingers, slutty tools, and more. Let’s get to it!

1. Brutality in the Totality

Are we sick of eclipse talk yet? Is everyone done giving this emoji 🌚 a workout? I don’t care; we’re going back in.

Longtime NTMP superfan Rebecca sent this one my way. Classic snack brand Moon Pie created a wrestling-themed campaign tied to the eclipse. The campaign is called Sun vs. Moon ‘24: The Brutality in the Totality: A solar eclipse snackdown, where the sun and the moon battle to rule the sky.

From the video, which you NEED to watch: “The sun doesn’t even have a snack!” 😂

The campaign promoted the Moon Pie Solar Eclipse Survival Kit (“Get mooned on 4.8.2024”) and I am SO mad I didn’t grab one of these before they sold out.

Give this marketing team every award.

2. The spotlight effect

I heard this phrase during a workshop at Erma led by Elissa Bassist, the “award-deserving¹” author of the memoir Hysterical². If you want to learn how to write humor—particularly for memoir—I highly recommend her classes. She’s a very funny and engaging teacher and I came away with SO MANY tips, prompts, and ideas.

During the workshop, Bassist described the spotlight effect as the natural human tendency to assume that others think and talk about us far more than they actually do. When we’re feeling vulnerable or anxious, this effect can be heightened, so it’s important to not let the spotlight effect impede our ability to write and share that work with others. I wonder if anyone is studying how the spotlight effect intersects with the fear of going viral or being trolled online.

3. Schlong Island iced tea

All you need is the photo for this extremely funny pun, which also looks truly disgusting. You’re welcome?

I’m all for a sweet/sour duet, but in this case, it’s a no.

In Wisconsin, adding entire meals to alcoholic beverages—particularly bloody Marys—is both an art form and a study in excess. Click that link to see what I mean. I’ve never had one and while I think it’s a fun idea in theory, I’m betting it’s gross and annoying in practice.

For the meal-in-a-drink curious, wiscomary.com lists where to find bloody Marys throughout Wisconsin. You think you’ve seen it all, but using an image of a bunch of celery as a newsletter signup field is just chef’s-kiss brilliant. Marketers, iykyk.

4. Hyper-sexual zombie cicadas

Because why not? CBS News and other outlets are reporting that this year’s return of periodical cicadas will be a bit different because it will include a small percentage of cicadas infected with a sexually transmitted fungus that makes them extra horny.

Points off for not a single mention of The Last of Us, but article ends with the least necessary admonition and an opportunity to do some citizen science:

Kasson urges people not to eat the cicadas or kill them, but to take photos if they see the fungus on the bugs and share them with online science communities, like iNaturalist, to help researchers. 

This is indeed the weirdest timeline.

One of the two broods that will reemerge is in Illinois. Where’s that Moon Pie marketing team? We need frisky undead bug swag!

5. Official Stick Reviews

I found this NYT article (gifted link) about two friends who started writing online reviews of ::checks notes:: sticks via

Anne Helen Petersen

. It tapped into something from childhood that I think is fairly universal: the experience of being outside and finding what you feel is an extremely cool stick — a walking stick, a weapon, a tool, a work of art. Most of us have done this, right? Maybe it reflects some sort of universal human tendency akin to gazing at water or staring into a fire.

Here’s their Instagram, if you need a wholesome account to follow.

6. Action Hoe

Okay first of all: LOL. Second of all, this looks like a seriously useful tool (title of your sex tape) for removing weeds from the garden if you have chronic pain and bending/squatting are difficult. Also known as a stirrup hoe, it works via a push-pull action where a blade severs weeds at the root. While just cutting at the root won’t do the trick for some weeds, the action hoe lets you efficiently clear larger spaces to plant or lay mulch.

7. Disco chicken

I will forever be mad that I didn’t think of this first.

That’s it for this week! Remember to keep making it weird and stay furiously curious!

1. This is such a solid joke

2. The book promo landing page for Hysterical is amazing and I love it