NTMP 64: Zip it in the Dud

Belated Ed Balls Day wishes to all who celebrate.

Snip it in the butt * Collective effervescence * Seagull deterrents * A cat shift * Fish tits * Borthole * Spooge doula * Ed Balls Day

Photo by Peter F. Wolf on Unsplash

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This week, we have the return of the Cheeto dick, more fun with malapropisms, an April poll, a dream job, and I may have accidentally developed the first bit of NTMP swag.

Let’s get to it!

Take the April poll!

Did you have a phrase you really loved from this month? Make your voice heard by voting below:

Let’s get to it!

1. Snip it in the butt

This is another example of humor that punches down, which I’m typically not a fan of. There are myriad reasons why a person may not know how to spell or write something: not everyone is a reader, and so they may not have seen a phrase written out before, or they may have not had access to a great or even good education, or they are neurodiverse in some way, etc.

Plus, most of us have committed similar word crimes at some point. For example, one time I read the title of the Jimi Hendrix song Voodoo Chile out loud while playing records at a party, but having taken Spanish throughout middle school and college, pronounced ‘chile’ like 🌶️. I knew the song, the actual song title, and its meaning, but my brain had its own ideas.

All this to say: I find malapropisms funny and so I share them here with humor rather than derision.

This particular gem comes from NTMP SuperFan Rebecca (pause for applause and whistling). SHE got it via her sister, Deborah (WOO! NTMP FAMILY FANDOM, YESS! WELCOME, D!).

Oh, yes, the phrase. It came from this tweet by TheFaceofDave:

Tell me your favorite phrase fumbles in the comments, where I’ll start by sharing the GOAT malapropism I’ve ever seen:

2. Collective effervescence

Another NTMP entry from Sketchplanations describing one of my favorite phenomena, the magic of shared experience that you can actually feel in your body. Coined by French sociologist Émile Durkheim, collective effervescence is a feeling you get when having a shared experience or movement in unison, to an extent that we can’t experience alone.

If you’ve ever felt a swell of emotion while gathered with other people during a concert, parade, movie, or sporting event, then you’ve experienced collective effervescence. Feeling your feelings while being in awe of nature, like during a meteor shower or while watching Old Faithful do her thing? Collective effervescence. I tend to cry when I experience it because I’m an empathetic sponge baby. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Seagull Deterrents

This phrase is a job description posted by Blackpool Zoo in the UK. Lucky hirees get to wear a bird costume to deter seagulls from stealing food from zoo visitors and inhabitants. Dream job, anyone?

4. A cat shift

My daughter recently started volunteering at a shelter for senior cats and dogs in our town. When I asked her who she’d be working with this week, she informed me that she had “a cat shift,” which I found both amusing and amazing.

5. Fish tits

I tend to perseverate on things I like, and right now, I really like the show Barry. Sure, it’s dark and violent, which is not particularly my jam. But it’s SO brilliantly acted and written, and even better, it’s staggeringly funny. So here I am, just a girl asking you to laugh at this phrase with me.

For context, Fuches, played by everyone’s favorite character actor Stephen Root, is in prison. Before this scene, Fuches tried giving his fellow inmates cool nicknames to make them part of his new prison gang. Previously Hank gave Fuches the nickname The Raven to scare the police into thinking he was badder than he is, which becomes a recurring bit on the show.

Anyway, here’s the scene:

Fuches: “Hank, have you ever been called Boo-Boo the Fool before?”

Hank: “Uh, I don't think so.”

Fuches: “Well, I have, and it's very hurtful. I've also been called Big Bird, Fish Tits, and Baby Shoes.”

I swear I missed my calling and would give anything to be in a TV writers’ room, conjuring dumb nicknames for a character. Alas.

6. Borthole

My fellow Hag pal Kathleen substituted this word for “butthole” in our group chat, and I laugh every time I read or think about it. That’s how you know it’s a winner.

Maybe I’ll make a button that reads ‘BORTHOLE’ in the BARRY font¹.

If anyone asks what it means, I’ll make up a different backstory:

“A priest gave it to me.”

“I found this on a cat.”

“Oh, this? If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” (said without breaking eye contact)

“LUMBERJACKS!” (with no other explanation)

7. Spooge doula

Not only is this a staggeringly funny phrase, it’s even better with context. New Yorker cartoonist and writer Emily Flake posted an announcement on Instagram that she’s the new sex and relationships columnist for The Arrow, an AARP publication with the tagline:

A site for Gen-X men, by Gen-X men, about the stuff in life that really matters.

Gen-X men?

AARP?

Fuck, I’m old.

Back to the phrase: It keeps getting better!

Because 1) Flake will nail this gig with razor-sharp insight and humor and

2) This is the IG post where she shared the announcement, with embellishments and hashtags:

If I was really good and not at all lazy and had any photo editing skills whatsoever, I’d have copied that wang arrow and pointed it at the #SpoogeDoula hashtag. Alas.

3. Gray-Pubed Slackers is also a hell of a phrase. Someone start a band with this name immediately.

8. Ed Balls Day

Whilst scrolling Instagram I came across this Depths of Wikipedia post about Ed Balls, and am kind of annoyed I hadn’t heard of this one before.

According to Wikipedia, British politician Ed Balls was told by an assistant to search Twitter for an article about himself. Instead, he tweeted his own name. And the tweet is still up! (At least until Phony Stark finally destroys the place.)

Here’s a screenshot for posterity (and your heart):

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Random!

1. Update! As an update to one of last week’s phrases, here’s Bill Hader on Conan sharing how Anthony Carrigan’s NoHo Hank ad libbed the “King of Suck Balls Mountain” line, forcing another actor to toss it back and cracking Hader up in the process, requiring multiple takes. This clip includes a bonus bit about how Henry Winkler also messed with Hader to get him to break character.

2. Like Taylor Swift’s Anti-Hero? This take on it by Wolves of Glendale is amazing!

3. Pet names! Some pals and I recently shared the nicknames we give to our pets in addition to their given names, and I thought it would be fun to start a convo in the comments about it.

   Tell me your pet nicknames in the comments:

   I’ll share some of mine there, too. Note that If you don’t have one already, you’ll have to create a free Substack account to comment.

That’s it for this week! Remember to stay curious and remain furious! Follow local politics and show up where you can make the biggest impact in your community. 🫶🏼

1. 30 seconds of online research indicates this is probably Futura Extra Bold with some aggressively squishy kerning.