NTMP 138: LOLclit
With a side of Frantch toast
New-To-Me Phrases, May 4, 2025
LOLfood * Mr. Clit and the Pink Cigarettes * Corporate dipshits * Old baby * The geezer’s paradox * Land beaver * Frantch
The Phrases, With Context
It’s finally here! The only time of year where Midwesterners get to be smug about where we live. Blue skies dotted with puffy white clouds, birdsong, baby animals, and blooming flowers and trees. No bugs yet! It’s paradise and I love it.
This week in NTMP we have a Wikipedia fever dream, rodent nicknames, and a bunch of good bonus bits to make you laugh.
Let’s get to it!
But first: A poll!
1. LOLfood
The always-great Eater did a trend piece about higher-end restaurants and bars serving their takes on childhood comfort foods like Goldfish, pizza rolls, and hot dogs—dubbed LOLfood as a nod to early 2000s meme culture. Not gonna lie, I’d try a giant baked Goldfish with Old Bay butter. And now I’m mad I never thought to make Old Bay butter, but I will now.
I think my friend Dennis Lee’s
is a subcategory of LOLfood. The OG LOLfood, if you will. Only way more disgusting and funny.2. Mr. Clit and the Pink Cigarettes
This happens far less often than you’d think here at NTMP, but this is an actual band name. They’re a punk band out of Indianapolis (now there’s a phrase I’ve never written before) who recently played at the record store in my town.
No offense to the Pink Cigarettees, but I think Mr. Clit is a better band name. Or at least a funnier phrase.
3. Corporate dipshits
A throwaway phrase from the book Monsters: A Fan’s Dilemma by Kate Dederer. I enjoyed these essays about fandom, critique, what it takes to be an artist (and what we have to sacrifice), and the place of artists—often men—who do monstrous things in our hearts, minds, and culture. Sharp, insightful writing that makes you think and offers no easy answers, if you’re into that sort of thing.
Dederer mentioned that the phrase paradigm shift was co-opted by corporate dipshits and lazy college students. I think corporate dipshits is a keeper because it expresses such a deep truth about labor in our era.
4. Old baby
This phrase comes from my middle kid (who does not read this newsletter). We were discussing the paradox of how our African grey parrot is simultaneously big and small, and while he’s turning 35 this year, he is basically a crabby toddler.
“Old baby,” she said.
Surprisingly funny word combo! And yet another pet nickname.
5. The geezer’s paradox
Speaking of paradoxes, I found this ancient tweet recirculating on Instagram:
This tracks.
6. Land beaver
We live in a town that is heavily into Groundhog Day because the 1993 movie was filmed here. Therefore, having a groundhog hanging in our yard (they live under our neighbors’ shed) makes us local royalty (not really). Anyway, whilst discussing groundhogs—as one does—I thought I remembered one of their nicknames being whistle pigs. And I was right!
While researching this I saw that land beaver is another, very funny nickname for groundhogs. Also, via Wikipedia, young groundhogs may be called chucklings.
I vote we start using whistle beaver as a new variation. Which brings me back to the still-open poll that asks which is funnier, queef or vart? I will say that I accidentally voted for queef and Substack won’t let you edit your vote and now I’m gonna die mad about it.
7. Frantch
This is another weird online artifact I found on Instagram. It’s either a fabricated Wikipedia entry OR an attempted entry that has since been deleted. I have questions. Like who did this? Why was the entry titled “Frantch” when a t wouldn’t belong in the portmanteau? Why is ranch dressing capitalized? Either way, I’m glad this exists because it’s profoundly dumb and silly.
The best comment on the post where I found it: “This is something that would take up 6 pages in the Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy.”
Bonus Bits
1. LOL
via NTMP stan Tonya.
2. A great response to the tech oligarchy that’s enshittifying our democracy:
3. Important turkey update
3. I will laugh at this for
You may have seen the fitness influencer video that went viral a few weeks ago and if you haven’t, congratulations, you’re not a perpetually online loser like myself.
In case you missed it, Ashton Hall posted an hours-long morning routine on social, complete with time stamps. Instead of mainlining coffee and masturbating in the shower like a normie, this guy performs rituals such as dunking his head into a bowl of iced Saratoga water and rubbing a banana peel on his face.
If you want an insanely detailed deep dive into this video, here you go.
Anyway, who gives a shit. Just know that this is the best response:
That’s it for this week! Remember to keep making it weird, and stay furiously curious.
To be fair, I first learned about paradigm shifts when I was a lazy college student and had to read “the structure of scientific revolutions”
We went out to see the bluebells at a local nature preserve last weekend and ran into a young man who hadn’t been out to see them before. His exact words were “this is the most awesome thing I’ve ever seen” and it made me feel better about the world. Those bluebells are also the one time the Midwest gets showy. It’s hard to feel pessimistic about anything when I’m looking at carpets of blueish-purple flowers.