NTMP 135: Crab Buzzer

Innovative new ways to tell your boss to take this job and shove it

New-To-Me Phrases, March 23, 2025

Fish doorbell * Power tangling * Devour feculence * Tomato man * Pooper Soaker * Chicagohenge * Kooch Heating & Cooling

Photo by David Clode on Unsplash

A bit about this week’s photo, from photographer David Clode:

They call him E. T. (the staff at the Cairns Aquarium). He is a Black-blotch Porcupinefish. If they feel threatened they can puff themselves up into a ball covered with spines to protect themselves (the fish, that is).

The Phrases, With Context

In this edition, we have pescaterian ding-dong ditch, dude diets, Midwestern fruit boosters, and more.

Let’s get to it!

But first: A poll

Since switching to twice per month instead of weekly, the still-popular NTMP monthly polls are a bit different. I have to pull phrases from both a current and a past newsletter for the polls. It’s a little weird but we like things a little weird around here, so let’s go with it.

You don’t need context to vote; just pick your fave, as a little treat.

1. Fish doorbell

As previously written here, for years I’ve been glued to Jackie and Shadow’s bald eagle nest in California’s Big Bear Valley. This year, I’ve gotten a few friends similarly obsessed with the eagles’ parenting trimuphs and tragedies, along with their nest maintenance. Recently, thanks to the NTMP Phrase-O-Matic, I’ve discovered another awesome webcam that comes with an interactive doorbell!

Reader Julia writes:

In early spring, many fish swim through the canals of the city of Utrecht. Because there are locks blocking their way and fish can't ring doorbells by themselves, the city has established a livestream that you can watch. When you see a fish, you can ring the fish bell, and the lock keeper will open the lock.

AMAZING! If you try this, let me know. I hadn’t seen any fish until I was writing this edition and I got to ring the doorbell!!!!!

Do I need to get out more? Probably.

Note that the (extremely aptly named) Visdeurbel livestream is just a green rectangle; that’s your view into the water. There’s also a button at the top right to select an English translation of the site.

Also props to the City of Utrecht for having one of the most awesome site menus I’ve ever seen:

2. Power tangling

This term comes from an old tweet by Chicago artist/comedian Winslow Dumaine I recently saw recycled on Instagram:

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me. Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “power tangling” or some shit.

Show me the lie.

3. Devour feculence

The context for this phrase will hold meaning for you even if you don’t watch Severance, because everyone’s had a shitty boss.

I’ll try not to be too spoiler-y here but if you haven’t yet watched season 2, episode 9, The After Hours and like to avoid spoilers of any sort, maybe skip ahead to the next phrase.

Here’s the context: At one point, a corporate supervisor is being dressed down by his boss for using “a needlessly complex word for a simple idea.” The boss demands the supervisor apologize, and when he does, demands it again, in even simpler words.

Rather than do that, the supervisor says in a hilariously bright tone:

“Devour feculence!”

Here’s actual footage of my reaction:

In case the Severance writers read this newsletter, I thought of a few other versions of “eat shit”:

• Consume excrement

• Gormandize ordure

• Masticate egesta

• Ingurgitate excreta

I think I’ll make a volvelle for them. That would make an amazing paid subscriber perk, don’t you think?

Feel free to try these out at your next party or congressional town hall meeting.

Bonus bit: Here’s a reenactment of that scene, but with Legos.

4. Tomato Man

More Chicago content this week, and I’m into it. Spotted on Instagram—I swear I’m not on IG all day every day; mainly just when pooping or waiting in line somewhere. I don’t even use the grid much anymore; these days I mainly use it to watch and share dumb memes with friends in Stories.

Anyway, Block Club Chicago wrote about Bob Zeni’s annual tomato plant sale, which is actually spread across multiple spring events. Known as Tomato Man, Zeni sells 187 varieties of heirloom tomatoes each spring through pop-up locations around the city—such a great idea! Learn more at chicagotomatoman.com.

“I sell plants so I can donate plants,” says Zeni.

OK, I love this man. From the Block Club Chicago piece:

As Zeni’s sales increase, so do his donations. Last year, after selling out his lot of 10,000 plants, Zeni donated about 1,000 plants to churches, schools, nonprofits and community gardens that give their harvests to food pantries.

My oldest kid and his boyfriend are getting into gardening and we’ve added several raised beds to my existing ones. I’m going to try and buy a Tomato Man plant or two this year and add them to what we jokingly call our low-key prepper activities.

5. Pooper Soaker

This one’s a nice compliment to power tangling. If you don’t follow comedian Alex Falcone, you should be. I love his recurring segment “Is it a scam? Yep.” It’s like getting a deep-dive podcast in a couple of minutes.

This phrase comes from a bit he did on bidets and how to better market them in the US. Here it is on TikTok, in case Meta’s shitty interface blocks you from watching.

The only reason I can figure we’re not using bidets is because bidet sounds too French. It’s too silly of a name. It doesn’t sound cool.

You know what Americans do love? Power washing. That’s all that is. That’s just a power washer that lives in your toilet. If you called that an Ass Blaster, you’d sell a lot. If you called it a Pooper Soaker, they’d sell.

6. Chicagohenge

This might not be technically new to me but I couldn’t find mention of it anywhere in my notes. Spotted via my friend John, who shared this gorgeous image by photographer Barry Butler on Bluesky.

Named for Stonehenge, Chicagohenge occurs during the spring and fall equinoxes when east-west streets align with the sun. This is possible because downtown Chicago streets are laid out as a grid.

Here’s a post about Chicagohenge and the Chicago grid from the Adler Planetarium.

7. Kooch Heating & Cooling

Saw this company name on a van here in the Chicago area. Here’s hoping that 1) a vanity web search brings them to NTMP and 2) the owner’s name is Harry.

Bonus Bits

1. Asshole Bird of the Month: March 2025

My pal Dev gave me this idea and I resisted it at first because when you google birds being assholes, it leads to a lot of depressing news and bird flu stuff. So I figured I’d let the stories come to me, especially since friends often send me bird-related stuff.

All this to say: The Asshole Bird for March 2025 is this swan, who blocked traffic in Orlando, Florida by just plunking down on the interstate for reasons known only to the swan. A primo asshole move. Way to go, swan. I’m a fan.

2. A post that is still making me laugh days after seeing it

Sound on, obviously. (TikTok.)

That’s it for this week! Thanks for reading. Remember to keep making it weird and stay furiously curious!