NTMP 131: Porch Goose Spotters

A little Sled Zeppelin on the record player

New-To-Me Phrases, January 26, 2025

National masculinity crisis * Trolligarcy * Schengen area * Weltschmerz * River ice spotters * Porch goose therapist * Poundland

Photo by Alex Guillaume on Unsplash

The Phrases, With Context

Whew! What a week to be an American. Are you doomscrolling, or are you taking care of yourself, or maybe a little from column A and a little from column B? I feel like more people are stepping away from social media and public “resistance” anger and turning toward strengthening their communities, but that could just be the progressive bubble I inhabit.

An acquaintance reminded me of the Americans of Conscience Checklist—a weekly list of concrete actions you can take to stem the flow of sore-winner explosive diarrhea emanating from the Trump administration.

Enough about our descent into an authoritarian regime. You came here for phrases. Let’s get to it!

But first! A Poll!

Back by popular demand, we have the monthly poll. Make your voice heard! Choose a fave:

1. National masculinity crisis

Author and sociologist Dr. Tressie McMillan Cottom analyzes Trump’s influence in ways I don’t really see anywhere else. I learn something from her every time I read one of her NYT opinion columns or watch a reel on Instagram. I just love learning from a good, chewy thinker.

Here’s a clip of McMillan Cottom laying describing this problem on The Daily Show:

I think what [Trump] says about masculinity is that when masculinity feels threatened, it lashes out. And when it lashes out, it doesn’t care very much about who it takes that out on.

What Trump embodies is just our national masculinity crisis of not knowing what it means to be a man when you can’t rely on a job to define that, when you can’t rely on a woman’s position to define you as a man, when you don’t know what your role is in a family where everybody has to take care of the children. Everybody now has to take care of their parents because it’s expensive and it’s labor intensive. And he is promising you a version of masculinity where none of those things are happening.

Now, it doesn’t change the fact that those things are happening, and they are coming for you. They are coming for all of us. But he is a nice little stopgap for people who want to continue to pretend a little while longer.

2. Trolligarchy

Lyz Lenz at

Men Yell at Me

does it again! In a recent Dingus of the Week column, she described our current government as a trolligarchy. 🔥🔥🔥

It’s tempting to think that just because a person and his cronies ascend to power or amass wealth that they are somehow very smart or qualified. But, at least in America, this has never been the case. These are just inordinately clueless and completely craven men and things are getting out of hand. It’s not even an oligarchy really, it’s a trolligarcy — a government of the trolls, by the trolls, and for the trolls.

3. Schengen area

I saw this tweet via Garbage Day and did not know what Schengen area meant. But first, you really need to hold your nose and visit that link, because it involves a very good stray doggo being the first being to cross the newly opened Hungary-Romania border as people applaud.

I, an uncultured rube, did not know that Schengen area describes the EU policy of eliminating border patrols for member nations to allow Europeans to travel and move more freely between countries. It’s named for the city in Luxembourg where the convention was first agreed upon in 1985. Open borders > > > walls.

4. Weltschmerz

My son’s boyfriend gave me a word-of-the-day calendar and I have never felt so seen. Weltschmerz was the January 22nd entry, defined as:

a mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state

I don’t know about you, but since 2016 I’ve been feeling big weltschmerz, watching the enshittification of our democratic norms and technology and even eating at IKEA (which involved adding technology and removing humans, so I guess it’s a subset of the latter). And since January 20th, LET ME TELL YOU, the weltschmerz has intensified like whoa. I say—or yell—“we don’t have to live like this!” often.

5. River ice spotters

I found this phrase in my weather app during a period of severe cold weather. According to the National Weather Service, when temps get as cold as they did here earlier this month, river ice jams can be a hazard because the ice can push water up and cause sudden flooding.

The weather report mentioned river ice spotters who were reporting on river conditions. This led me to the NWS Volunteer River Ice Spotter Network. A whole network of ice nerds! Amazing! They use a Google form to report river ice conditions.

No special qualifications are required other than living near the river and a willingness to report river and ice conditions.

This means you or I can add River Ice Spotter to our LinkedIn profiles today, should we be so inclined. I’m gonna make it my tagline there, just to keep the plague of recruiters there guessing.

6. Porch goose therapist

This month I attended a zine-making workshop at my local record store as an excuse to hang with pals and get to know other zine enthusiasts and weirdos. This event did not disappoint. One attendee was an art student who had made one of those paper “fortune tellers” (which I learned is also known as a “cootie catcher”—do with that information what you will).

This fortune teller was designed to choose your next career, and one of the options was “Porch goose therapist.” If you don’t know what a porch goose is, then you’re probably not Midwestern. Just do a Google Image search. You’re welcome. One of my kids and I actually want to get one of these and design outfits for it from fandoms like Mario Bros. and anime. Maybe a BSDM pleather ‘fit. The possibilities are endless when you have a porch goose and a sewing machine!

My fortune ended up being “Jerry Garcia impersonator,” to which I responded, “I would NEVER,” because I am fun at events and also very much not a Deadhead.

7. Poundland

NTMP subscriber Rebecca sent this one in - it’s the British version of Dollar General. This makes me wish our currency was also a euphemism for boning. Then we could have Boink General or Family Boink stores to giggle about because we need more than Dick’s Sporting Goods over here.

Bonus Bits

1. More snow plow nicknames!

If you’re new around here, or you just want a refresher, you can read several back entries about punny nicknames for government-owned snow plows, a trend that seems to have originated in Scotland, where Spready Mercury was the name to top.

• Minnesota snow plow nicknames

• New Mexico 2024 - 2025 updates include Snow Bueno, Snow Way Jose, Red Chilly Brrrr-ito, Chips & Que-snow. NMDOT has a fun map showing where each snow plow operates.

• Chicago 2024! I somehow missed Skilling It, named for beloved meteorologist Tom Skilling. 2025 nicknames include Bozo the Plown (the clear winner, in my opinion), Snower Wacker (runner-up in my heart), and My Kind of Plow.

2. Spotted at IKEA

JAGMASTER. Chef’s kiss, no notes.

That’s it for this week! Remember to keep making it weird, and stay furiously curious!