NTMP #44: Cinnamon Toast Nope
A fart on any other day would smell as bad
New-to-me Phrases, December 4, 2022
The Phrases, With Context
This week we have a nice mix of phrases ranging from goofy to gross, as per usual—from nut cheeses to “WHY? WHY WOULD YOU COOK THAT?” to comically large hats and more.
Let’s get to it!
1. Peanut cheese
This is the gross name the Dutch use for peanut butter, according to this compendium of things for which to be thankful from.
If you love deep dives into assorted bits of random knowledge from someone with a gigantic chewy brain (WHO DOESN’T?), this Substack is for you.
But no more nut cheeses, thanks. One is plenty.
My friend Kelly mispronounced “chucklefuck” during a Zoom coworking session and we snort-giggled at it for like five minutes. I like this version better, tbh.
I’m no longer linking to tweets for reasons, but here’s a screenshot of a sportsball player in a comically large hat (source: WaPo):
NogginBoss is the name of his friend’s company that makes said comically large hats.
I’m into it. I would also totally wear a t-shirt with this tweet emblazoned on it.
Anyway, if you want a big hat, let him know.
4. Cinnamon Toast Bungholes
I’ve written about this before but I’ll say it again: Twitter has had a profound impact on my life. Nearly every close friend I have today is someone I met there, starting with a small group of ragtag Chicago-ish folks to the extended nerd universe we came to inhabit both there and on Tumblr. We adopted our curmudgeonly African grey parrot from one of those pals, marriages and divorces have happened and babies have been born, all because a bunch of dummies told jokes in what was then a 140-character limit.
Back in 2009, a few people immediately discovered that the best use of Twitter was telling jokes, and somehow we found each other. After discovering that many of us were local, I suggested we meet to tell jokes in person. That led to many subsequent meetups in Chicago, at one point with 150-odd guests (emphasis on “odd”) traveling from across the country and across the pond.
There was a moment a week or so ago when people started saying farewell on Twitter, because the wind is changing with Phony Stark at the helm. A few of us started reminiscing about the people we connected with early on there. One of those people was a Chicago-based goofball who still tweets at @fartsandwich, aka Dennis Lee, who attended one of those long-ago tweetups.
I discovered during that reminiscence that he writes an amazing Substack called, where he experiments with cooking some seriously gross stuff as hilarity ensues. I can handle a lot of disgusting shit but this is . . . wow. My comically large hat's off to you, D.
How weird is it that the first post I read (and the source of this phrase) by a friend I only knew as @fartsandwich was about a literal fart sandwich? Honestly, it feels like a perfect “full circle” sort of thing.
My middle kid (who does not read this newsletter) coined this term. I mentioned getting a dopamine hit from crossing things off my to-do list like a good little cog in our grinding wheel of capitalism.
“Bopamine,” was his only reply.
His nickname for our budgie Yoshi is “Bopey,” so a visit from Yoshi is a “bopamine hit.”
I’ll allow it.
6. Rustic farmhouse diarrhea
I discovered the IG account for Lehigh Valley Workshop a while back via my friend Steve (one of those early Twitter pals I mentioned earlier whose IG is an amazing photo and video exploration of a local nature preserve).
Brian Kleiner’s posts combine rousing and searingly incisive social critiques with mesmerizing video of him in his workshop making cool stuff - all of which open with “Hey fuckheads” as a term of endearment. (Should I open this newsletter with “Hey, fucklechucks” Y or N?)
I dare you to watch these and not do a fist pump.
Bonus: When you subscribe to his newsletter, the confirmation popup reads:
“See you in hell, motherfucker.”
Honestly? I’m royally pissed I didn’t think to do something like that myself. And I call myself a copywriter.
In this reel—which is where I found this phrase—he makes a sign riffing on the aesthetic of the cheap ephemera infesting every midrange home goods store, big box retailer, and middle class Instagrammable home.
The unspoken anthem for this trend is:
. . . typically in either a cheery scripted or Rae Dunn pencil-thin font.
Label everything unnecessarily! Laundry rooms! Salt and pepper shakers! Blessed messes! Porch rules!
Kleiner’s response to this trend? A custom-made laser printed sign that reads:
Which is now for sale in his shop. The perfect gift for that special person in your life.
He describes it as “[A] piece that really screams, ‘I berate cashiers at Target and then go home and do my own research.”
Because I enjoy ruining things, I’ve long wanted to make a sarcastic “Porch Rules” sign with things like “punch Nazis,” “support a living wage and social safety net,” and “fuck around and find out,” but I have zero talents in this area, so have at it, Brian!
What would you put on a sarcastic “Porch Rules” sign?
7. The Magentaverse
This is what the weirdos at Pantone are calling their landing page for the 2023 color of the year, which uses a heaping helping of word salad to describe Viva Magenta.
8. A fart on a Tuesday
The context for this one is only funny to me and one other person, but I’m sharing it anyway. While grasping for a way to describe something that would be better than a truly bad holiday movie we’d just watched, *this* is what they came up with.
“A fart on a Tuesday would be better than that movie.”
I love it so much.
By the way, we make our own cheesy holiday movie bingo cards based on an idea my husband and I hatched had a few years back. We have a spreadsheet and everything. 👀
But! I know an artist who makes kits for watching cheesy holiday movies!
There’s still time to buy your own Holiday Romcom Roast Kit from Your Gal Kiwi, one of my faves. I am hoarding like 12 of her stickers for the perfect use (like sticker people do), and her greeting cards are also hilarious. Seriously, there are so many great gifty things in her shop.
That’s it for this week!
If you haven’t yet, there’s still time to buy gifts for a trans youth via Transanta. There’s even a spreadsheet to boost gift lists that haven’t yet had any purchases made. Thank you for considering supporting trans youth and helping them feel seen and loved.
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Until next time, remember to stay curious and remain furious, because our democracy ain’t gonna defend itself.