NTMP #14: Asparagus Death Fetish

It's bizarro Tony Stark's world; we're just living in it.

New-to-me Phrases, May 1, 2022

Chunky Cheese * Fictosexuals * The Buttplug Gnome * Snickers dick vein * My backyard’s biggest night * Churroboros * Bizarro Tony Stark * Agave death asparagus * Stromboli fundraiser * Trump supporter soup

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The Phrases, With Context

This week we have plant wangs, candy bar wangs, meat-and-cheese fundraisers, self-consuming churros, and human soup.

Photo by Giuseppe Martini on Unsplash

1. Chunky Cheese

Chunky Cheese is what my friend Jules’ mom calls Chuck E. Cheese.

I look forward to being this mom one day.

I’m already this mom, aren’t I? “ADD ME TO THE DISCORDS, CHILDREN!”

2. Fictosexuals

Another case of “great phrase, sort-of-sad story.” The NYT did a feature titled “This Man Married a Fictional Character. He’d Like You to Hear Him Out.”

I think it’s easy to poke fun at people who are entering into marriages with fictional characters as an expression of their fandom. But to me, it speaks to the dystopian loneliness of a culture where this is even a thing.

Aren’t you glad you signed up for this lighthearted and fun newsletter?

3. The Buttplug Gnome

My hilarious friend Jelisa is a talented writer who travels the world and shares her adventures on Instagram, along with her ardent music and soccer fandom. She recently shared a pic of a gnome statue in Rotterdam and wrote “the statue even my white-bread guidebook described as ‘The Buttplug Gnome’.”

As they say in the legal profession, res ipsa loquitur (this is literally the only thing I remember from law school).

4. Snickers dick vein

My friend Kathleen is so diabolical, she not only shared this phrase with our hag group chat, but then she dropped a pic of a Snickers bar to, uh, drive the point home. 😈🍫🍆

5. My backyard’s biggest night

A writer/actor/comedian named Patrick McDonald set up a red carpet for wildlife outside his home and the results on Twitter are every bit as awesome as you’d expect if you’re a person who gets unduly excited about bird and squirrel watching ::cough:: in your 50s ::cough-cough::

Keep scrolling because the party gets wild as the night goes on.

6. Churroboros

This phrase was born in a group Slack used purely for shenanigans. (A Discord for olds, if you will.)

My friend Josh asked, "If you were a hot dog, would you eat yourself?"

To which our friend Randal replied:

"I would not--HOWEVER: If I were an elongated, fried Spanish pastry, I would eat myself, becoming a sort of churroboros."

7. Bizarro Tony Stark

My description of Elon Musk. If you’re not familiar, here’s more info than you could ever want about the D.C. Comics character who is the deranged and evil mirror opposite of Superman.

8. Agave death asparagus

Cool phrase, weird plant phenomenon. Someone posted about this in Instagram and then I googled it and got this headline from The Awl:

The Agave Plant’s Asparagus Death Fetish

Which is a WAY better phrase.

9. Stromboli fundraiser

My friend Wendy’s Northern Michigan home town is having a fundraiser where you . . . buy stromboli? The public library listed “Stromboli goals” with stromboli laid out like a progress chart. Public libraries are a gift to our culture.

Wendy insists they should name those goals “Stromgoali.”

Read about Stromboli in Italy!

10. Trump supporter soup

Me, commenting on how I’m not yet ready to get into a hotel room hot tub.